Aloha there, web surfers, and welcome to another episode of Sock Puppet Burlesque. Last we checked in with Penelope Boots she had decided to turn the Sock Monkey Strip Club into a sex-positive venue. However, as Penny investigated her options, she decided that she needed to hone her business acumen in order to figure out which way to go. Penelope had learned through recent trials and tribulations not to be so impulsive. So, Penelope Boots enrolled in an online MBA program from Shoestring Tech. She enthusiastically enjoyed Financial Sockcounting but also took joy in learning all about managerial skills and pie charts. After graduating with highest honors, Penelope developed a binder full of potential business plans. She could turn the venue into some kind of saucy restaurant where visitors embraced their socksuality while dining on fine carrot sticks paired with only the best Canadian ginger ale. However, something seemed wrong with that idea, and Penny went back to square one. Then she saw an ad in a magazine she was flipping through at the supermarket checkout. Always one to believe in the mysteries of the universe, Penelope Boots decided to pay Sorceress Ghillies a visit. When Penelope Boots called to make her appointment, Sorceress Gillies’ assistant, a sentient stapler named Randy gave Penelope the run-down on how her appointment would go. (Side note: Randy wasn’t always a stapler. Before being cursed by Gillies and forced to endure a decade of servitude, Randy was actually a very zealous pineapple […]
Oh, it has been too long, dear sweet lovable and most fashionable readers. (Yeah, you look nice in that hoodie. It brings out your eyes AND you soul. Rock on, hoodie rocker.) I must tell you dear friends that so much has happened. Our protagonist Penelope Boots has decided to take matters into her own hands. She’s decided to take over The Sock Monkey and turn it into a sex-positive venue. No more shall “the sock men” control her daily life or bear any weight on her emotions. Nay! It’s is a sock women’s world. “Down with the patri-laundri-archy,” she exclaimeth! But Penelope has a new foe to worry about. Yes, viewers, readers, and those of you who can smell us through the magic of “scratch-n-sniff,” meet Modesty Sock. Modesty Sock believes that one should cover everything up. Modesty Sock believes that the illusion of nudity as superior to actual nudity. Modesty Sock means well and has never heard the expression “The path to hell is paved with good socktensions.” Will Modesty Sock team up with Doris Cleat? Will Modesty Sock embrace Penelope Boot’s vision for a more accepting and welcoming Sock Monkey Strip Club? Time will tell!
Devoted Sock Puppet Burlesque readers, tonight is the night! Byron and Myron Flats have been working nonstop for weeks building and promoting their bawdy discotheque, The Sock Monkey. Byron even took online classes and earned a degree in Burlesque Management in order to tend to the finances of the club. He graduated with honors. After gauging local interest, Byron took an add out in The Tuber Times offering a discount to mercenary potatoes. Hired potato guns are known for their keen interest in the burlesque scene. Several military potatoes on leave – along with multitudes of lonely bachelor socks – showed up at the door eager to see what this new club has to offer. Also, an underage garlic clove named Gio attempted to sneak by security with nothing but a homemade fake ID and a prayer. But he was quickly ejected by a bouncer. This club is on the up and up … for now. While Byron was sequestered in the manager’s office pouring over tax documents and old love letters, Myron looked on his creation with savage pride. This was going to be a night to remember. Myron was going to make himself a very wealthy sock. Wasting no more time, he dimmed the lights and waited for the magic to begin. A hush fell over the crowd as Penelope took the stage. No one in the room had ever seen anything so beautiful. Penelope danced several intricate numbers, each one more sultry than the last. She made […]
Hello there, faithful Sock Puppet Burlesque readers. A vast array of emotions. That is what we will experience together as we watch Penelope prepare to take the burlesque stage for the very first time. It’s opening night at The Sock Monkey Strip Club — and Penelope is the headlining act! Now, as we know, Penelope inadvertently broke the heart of Byron Flats by sleeping with his twin brother Myron. To Penelope, her one shot at love is forever dashed. The worst part? It was her own fault. By carelessly throwing around her sock-body, Penelope has shattered her sense of self worth. She often thinks to herself, “Who could love such a loose sock?” But, in spite of it all, Penelope still knows she’s a sock of unmatched beauty. Perhaps she could use her looks to achieve the only other thing she wants out of life: ginormous, obscene wealth. Just like…tons and tons of money. This was the thought that awoke Penelope from a placidly beautiful dream of flying across an emerald field of contented puffy-fluffy sheep. She yawned and then thought about the day ahead of her. She wanted to close her eyes again. Penelope needed motivation. So, she flipped through her favorite magazine of haute couture and was transfixed by a page full of lustrous Ergdorf Goodma jewels. She concentrated hard, imagining how such costly trinkets would look on her own alluring figure. “Stunning,” she decided. If stripping could bring her such fine things, it would be worth it. […]
Welcome, readers! Time to meet another member of this Sock Puppet Burlesque consortium of misfit socks and souls. Meet DJ Wingtip. You might remember him as the dutiful caterer from the Flats Twins Masquerade Ball. He has many jobs in order to support his lust for high end malt balls. In this case: Blueberry Cheesecake Malted Milk Balls. The beluga of old school sweets. In fact, DJ Wingtip’s most lucrative occupation is his nightclub deejaying. He spins like no other sock. That’s why the Flats Twins recruited him to provide the sultry beats for The Sock Monkey Strip Club. His tracks and CDs are sought after by socks near and far. His greatest hits album is indeed the very soundtrack of our favorite ingénue Penelope Boots’ dance into damnation. It is called Sockhop Songs To Strip By and it is outlawed in all but one of the fifty United States. If you come across a copy — consider yourself lucky — but don’t tell the FCC. Can’t wait to see him spinning mad beats at The Sock Monkey? You will! Soon
Welcome back. Time for another chapter in this most sexy sock puppet adventure! By now we know that Byron Flats is deeply in love with the gorgeous Penelope Boots. We’ve also learned that Byron’s twin brother Myron has schemes to exploit Penelope’s beauty by turning her into a saucy burlesque sensation. Neither twin is aware of his brother’s intentions. Penelope, herself, is clueless! This time on Sock Puppet Burlesque, we see just what happens when the truth comes out! It was the night of the Flats Twins annual masquerade ball. The tradition began with the demise of their father, Alistair Flats. Alistair had been a huge bal masqué enthusiast and had even travelled back in time to thirteenth century Venice to celebrate the very first carnivale. It was during one of those time-travelling adventures that Alistair’s fabric accidentally melded with the very fabric of the universe — causing instant death. The annual ball was a way for the twins to honor their father’s memory. Byron decided to invite Penelope to the event. What better time to introduce her to his brother and show off her beauty? He was also tired of listening to Myron gloat about the new girl he had found to exhibit on the internet. It was his turn to show off his arm candy. Oh, if only Byron had known the truth! Penelope was thrilled at the invitation to the costume party. She spent hours deciding on her costume. What to wear, what to wear? Bryon dressed […]
Welcome, welcome, welcome! We haven’t heard from our dear sock friends in quite some time now, have we? Let’s just say it’s been dark days in the sock drawer. Dark days, indeed! Last we heard, Byron Flats was heartbroken to discover that the lovely Penelope Boots had given up her virtue to Bryon’s twin brother Myron. Byron has now agreed with Myron to turn Penelope into a fabulously sultry burlesque star—the star of the show at their soon-to-open Sock Monkey Strip Club. But before Byron could be much use as a sex trade businessman, he needed to get himself together. For several days after the Masquerade Ball, Byron retreated to the depths of his favorite purple William Yeoward crystal vase. He passed the time by intermittently crying, sleeping, and devouring three times the Sock-FDA recommended daily allowance of Grey Poupon. He then spent way too much time leveling his character Sockotropodopodes on World of Warcraft. Fueled by mustard and an unhealthy amount of tenacity, he made it from level 23 to level 85 in less than an hour. Azeroth had never seen such a feat. To this day, the WoW forums still buzz about it. Feeling that his mental health was still in a critical state and that online achievements weren’t at all mending his damaged psyche, Bryon figured that fresh air and communing with nature might do his brain some good. He visited the nearby cat ranch and made friends with a fine filly named Juliettia. After spending several […]
This time on Sock Puppet Burlesque, we find out what Byron has been up lately. We know his twin brother Myron has been busy seducing the lovely Penelope Boots. As you recall, Byron is a book worm with an insatiable Oscar Wilde curiosity. Byron also fancies himself an aspiring author of alternative-history fiction. He planned to dedicated his next novel to Penelope. It was while Byron was between Oscar Wilde biographies that a fierce sensation of genius and creativity washed over him. This was an idea that required his full attention — and quickly. Byron knew he must tend to this most fickle muse before it drifted away into the ether. He dropped what he was doing and travelled to his favorite place to write, a cabin deep in the California outback. He wrote with great vigor, using his favorite imported quill dipped in antique ink. He wrote hard until nightfall. Feeling tired and weak, Byron investigated the contents of his mini-fridge. He retrieved a bottle of high-octane soy sauce and a chunk of succulent coffee beans. He lit some cheapo scented candles in hopes their nasty miasma would aid in keeping him awake. No such luck. Byron fell asleep only moments later. The mix of candle odor, coffee beans, and soy sauce sent Byron right into a dream sequence most horrific! Most horrific, indeed! However, having taken advanced classes in Lucid Dreaming, Byron was equipped to handle this frightful nightmare. And vanquished the night terrors thusly: Byron then drifted […]
Our seedy saga continues with Myron Flats’ seduction of Penelope Boots. Remember how mesmerized Myron was with Penelope the very moment he saw her? He knew her beauty could make him a rich, rich sock. Myron decided to gain Penelope’s trust by wooing her. He planned to make her his girlfriend. Then he could convince her to pose nude on the internet for sure! Myron took Penelope out on a fancy first date. They went to dinner at a trendy condiment restaurant and shared a tub of mayonnaise al fresco. Myron invited Penelope back to his apartment to look at his prize olive oil collection. Penelope was no fool, but she thought that Myron was pretty cute and didn’t care how impressive Myron’s olive oil collection was or wasn’t — so she went along with it. Back at his place, Myron put a Katy Perry YouTube video on to set the mood. He almost kissed Penelope then as they moved to the catchy beat, but he thought better of it. He needed a surefire way to seduce her. No lady sock could resist his baking. “Let me make for you my special red velvet cake,” he said with a devilish grin. Penelope smiled. She did indeed love red velvet cake. Perched atop some nearby butter, Penelope watched in awe as Myron worked his kitchen magic… …And as Myron fed her forkful after forkful of delicious red velvet cake, he knew his seduction was working. Penelope politely offered to do the […]
How about we take a slight pause from the saucy epic of Penelope Boot’s transformation into a burlesque dancer? Instead, let us introduce ourselves to another influential sock in this most cheeky chronicle. Meet Doris Cleat. Ensocklopedia Britannica lists her as the first known sock puppet burlesque dancer in recorded history. Believe it or not, folks, Doris used to be radiant and beautiful. In fact, her shimmery golden locks were once famous amongst burlesque aficionados. But, alas, a career of stripping and smutting turned her dull and tattered. Elasticity faded into a thing of the past. Doris experienced some rather dark times. After all those years of non-stop-sexy-gyration — and after suffering a slight dryer-sheet addiction — Doris could barely look at herself in the mirror. This was, of course, prior to the female sock empowerment movement. Social expectations of lady socks were different in those days. Also, the street value of dryer-sheets was drastically lower back then. Some nights, Doris would wash herself over and over in stain remover — but her taxing lifestyle had penetrated her exterior and tarnished her very soul. Then, one day, Doris decided to turn it all around; Time to make the world a better place! Doris happened across some homeless teenage socks who were scavenging for victuals in a trashcan. Inspiration hit right on the spot! A veritable miracle! Doris founded the first ever food bank/youth club for mismatched socks. Immediately, her soul felt refreshed! However, what Doris didn’t know is that her […]