Devoted Sock Puppet Burlesque readers, tonight is the night! Byron and Myron Flats have been working nonstop for weeks building and promoting their bawdy discotheque, The Sock Monkey. Byron even took online classes and earned a degree in Burlesque Management in order to tend to the finances of the club. He graduated with honors. After gauging local interest, Byron took an add out in The Tuber Times offering a discount to mercenary potatoes. Hired potato guns are known for their keen interest in the burlesque scene. Several military potatoes on leave – along with multitudes of lonely bachelor socks – showed up at the door eager to see what this new club has to offer. Also, an underage garlic clove named Gio attempted to sneak by security with nothing but a homemade fake ID and a prayer. But he was quickly ejected by a bouncer. This club is on the up and up … for now. While Byron was sequestered in the manager’s office pouring over tax documents and old love letters, Myron looked on his creation with savage pride. This was going to be a night to remember. Myron was going to make himself a very wealthy sock. Wasting no more time, he dimmed the lights and waited for the magic to begin. A hush fell over the crowd as Penelope took the stage. No one in the room had ever seen anything so beautiful. Penelope danced several intricate numbers, each one more sultry than the last. She made […]
Hello there, faithful Sock Puppet Burlesque readers. A vast array of emotions. That is what we will experience together as we watch Penelope prepare to take the burlesque stage for the very first time. It’s opening night at The Sock Monkey Strip Club — and Penelope is the headlining act! Now, as we know, Penelope inadvertently broke the heart of Byron Flats by sleeping with his twin brother Myron. To Penelope, her one shot at love is forever dashed. The worst part? It was her own fault. By carelessly throwing around her sock-body, Penelope has shattered her sense of self worth. She often thinks to herself, “Who could love such a loose sock?” But, in spite of it all, Penelope still knows she’s a sock of unmatched beauty. Perhaps she could use her looks to achieve the only other thing she wants out of life: ginormous, obscene wealth. Just like…tons and tons of money. This was the thought that awoke Penelope from a placidly beautiful dream of flying across an emerald field of contented puffy-fluffy sheep. She yawned and then thought about the day ahead of her. She wanted to close her eyes again. Penelope needed motivation. So, she flipped through her favorite magazine of haute couture and was transfixed by a page full of lustrous Ergdorf Goodma jewels. She concentrated hard, imagining how such costly trinkets would look on her own alluring figure. “Stunning,” she decided. If stripping could bring her such fine things, it would be worth it. […]
Welcome, readers! Time to meet another member of this Sock Puppet Burlesque consortium of misfit socks and souls. Meet DJ Wingtip. You might remember him as the dutiful caterer from the Flats Twins Masquerade Ball. He has many jobs in order to support his lust for high end malt balls. In this case: Blueberry Cheesecake Malted Milk Balls. The beluga of old school sweets. In fact, DJ Wingtip’s most lucrative occupation is his nightclub deejaying. He spins like no other sock. That’s why the Flats Twins recruited him to provide the sultry beats for The Sock Monkey Strip Club. His tracks and CDs are sought after by socks near and far. His greatest hits album is indeed the very soundtrack of our favorite ingénue Penelope Boots’ dance into damnation. It is called Sockhop Songs To Strip By and it is outlawed in all but one of the fifty United States. If you come across a copy — consider yourself lucky — but don’t tell the FCC. Can’t wait to see him spinning mad beats at The Sock Monkey? You will! Soon
Welcome back. Time for another chapter in this most sexy sock puppet adventure! By now we know that Byron Flats is deeply in love with the gorgeous Penelope Boots. We’ve also learned that Byron’s twin brother Myron has schemes to exploit Penelope’s beauty by turning her into a saucy burlesque sensation. Neither twin is aware of his brother’s intentions. Penelope, herself, is clueless! This time on Sock Puppet Burlesque, we see just what happens when the truth comes out! It was the night of the Flats Twins annual masquerade ball. The tradition began with the demise of their father, Alistair Flats. Alistair had been a huge bal masqué enthusiast and had even travelled back in time to thirteenth century Venice to celebrate the very first carnivale. It was during one of those time-travelling adventures that Alistair’s fabric accidentally melded with the very fabric of the universe — causing instant death. The annual ball was a way for the twins to honor their father’s memory. Byron decided to invite Penelope to the event. What better time to introduce her to his brother and show off her beauty? He was also tired of listening to Myron gloat about the new girl he had found to exhibit on the internet. It was his turn to show off his arm candy. Oh, if only Byron had known the truth! Penelope was thrilled at the invitation to the costume party. She spent hours deciding on her costume. What to wear, what to wear? Bryon dressed […]
Our seedy saga continues with Myron Flats’ seduction of Penelope Boots. Remember how mesmerized Myron was with Penelope the very moment he saw her? He knew her beauty could make him a rich, rich sock. Myron decided to gain Penelope’s trust by wooing her. He planned to make her his girlfriend. Then he could convince her to pose nude on the internet for sure! Myron took Penelope out on a fancy first date. They went to dinner at a trendy condiment restaurant and shared a tub of mayonnaise al fresco. Myron invited Penelope back to his apartment to look at his prize olive oil collection. Penelope was no fool, but she thought that Myron was pretty cute and didn’t care how impressive Myron’s olive oil collection was or wasn’t — so she went along with it. Back at his place, Myron put a Katy Perry YouTube video on to set the mood. He almost kissed Penelope then as they moved to the catchy beat, but he thought better of it. He needed a surefire way to seduce her. No lady sock could resist his baking. “Let me make for you my special red velvet cake,” he said with a devilish grin. Penelope smiled. She did indeed love red velvet cake. Perched atop some nearby butter, Penelope watched in awe as Myron worked his kitchen magic… …And as Myron fed her forkful after forkful of delicious red velvet cake, he knew his seduction was working. Penelope politely offered to do the […]
By now, you’ve all met Penelope Boots… But why don’t we take some time and get to know her a bit better. Let’s take a peek into her psyche. Of course, anyone can plainly see that Penelope Boots is an exquisitely beautiful young sock — but she works hard to maintain her figure. Perhaps too hard. In fact, you might say that Penelope’s greatest weakness is her vanity. She lifts free weights twice her size and religiously practices Capoeira. She often strains herself at the gym and has to ice her aching muscles. ‘Fit Sock: Sock Fitness Magazine’ recommends a refreshing stint in the freezer. It does the trick. Penelope also suffers from fits of insomnia. She just cannot turn off her mind. To quell her angst, she goes for long runs through the peaceful, darkened city. Often Penelope runs through the entire night and well into the morning. When she is fully exhausted, Penelope collapses in a distant field of fresh baby spinach. It has become her ritual. She stares up at at the clouds and listens to ambient house music. She thinks about her place in the universe. Penelope is a complicated sock. Sometimes when the sun is beating down just right, Penelope likes to bask in its warmth — and to work on her tan. She gets completely nude to achieve maximum results. It was during one of these naked post-workout tanning sessions when Myron (of the Flats twins) happened upon her…He could not take his eyes […]
Meet Byron and Myron Flats. They run a series of popular internet porn websites. They are also the owners/managers of The Sock Monkey strip club. However, they weren’t always in the sex trade. Myron dreamed of being a five star chef. He was a connoisseur of many olive oils. Byron was more of a bookish sort. He had a thing for Oscar Wilde. He even earned an advanced degree in Irish Literature. However, dreams of being a famous chef or esteemed professor do not pay the bills. Running a popular porn site – however – does. Perhaps it was the dashed hopes and dreams of the Flats twins which lead them into a career of smut and skin-sales. Or, perhaps, the problem stems from the fact that in their early years, they were frequently worn with sandals. Speculation and psychology aside, one thing is true: Byron and Myron Flats would eventually become the billionaire proprietors of the seediest sock puppet burlesque show this side of Budapest. Among other things, they would make Penelope Boots a star, a feat which would ultimately lead to her emotional and physical unravelling. Stay tuned to find out how the Flats twins met Penelope and how – in one fell swoop- they went from aspiring chef and academic to raunchy sock puppet pimps.
Meet Penelope Boots, a vibrant left sock. She’s a normal California girl. She enjoys In-N-Out Burger… ..and going to fine art museums. She’s just like every other young, bright, hopeful sock out there. With one exception. Penelope Boots is about to discover her destiny as a saucy burlesque sock puppet pole dancer. Stay tuned to find out exactly what the hell that entails.
Hometown: Cork, Ireland Age: 25 Favorite Color: Chartreuse Hopes: To be a famous chef Fears: To die poor Myron Flats comprises one half of the Flats Twins, the savvy entrepreneurs behind The Sock Monkey Strip Club. In his youth, Myron aspired to be a culinary star on The Footie Cooking Network. However, after one failed flambé too many, Myron lost his confidence and started down a path most unseemly.
Penelope Boots Hometown: Venice Beach, California Age: 18 Favorite Color: Hot pink Hopes: To be a famous actress Fears: To be forgotten Hailing from sunny California, Penelope Boots is a most curious left sock. While she spends a fair amount of time working on and tending to her looks, Penelope truly has no idea how attractive she is. Perhaps it is her innocence mixed with her irresistibly hot bod hat will lead to her untimely demise.